Do you ever feel like Motherhood is so up close and personal, that you have a difficult time taking a step back to survey and reflect? For the last few days, every time I lay on my side in the bed to nurse my little one to sleep, I can’t help but think that it’s so overwhelming because there’s too much to do. There’s too much to see, because I’m too close to be able to put that many things into my brain. I’ve been praying for a way to be able to take a step back to see the whole thing.
Motherhood is like a macro lens. I’m not really a photographer, but the little I dabbled with several years ago afforded me the understanding that “macro lenses take pictures that are really close up.” (Good thing I didn’t pay for those lessons, right?) I’m talking the kind of close up that turns a flower the size of (ironically) your baby’s fingernail, into the most detailed bloom you ever saw, with splendid petals, and colors that even the biggest flower has a hard time showing off!
Well, I can see how I’ve been turning Motherhood into that macro lens, and honing in on the tiniest thing, which seems to have the most intricate details. It’s not really a bad thing…and I think it happens naturally to many women. But there comes a time when you need to step back and see the beautiful scene and all its parts. Not just that tiny little flower bud.
Right now, what seems to be zoomed up close is everything from sleep training (necessary) to playtime, and every little bump on the head in between. Like I said, I don’t think it’s a bad thing, because seeing both the good and the bad up close can often help us to grow! But laying in bed and nursing the baby to sleep gives me ample time to be too zoomed in and be unable to see anything else.
What is life going to look like in a couple of years? I don’t know. I don’t have the slightest idea. I don’t have time for thinking like that, because the baby needs to sleep. The baby needs to eat. The baby needs this and that, and whoa, I don’t even have time for myself! That happens sometimes, but I think I go a little bit crazy when I don’t let myself try to think about the “far away.” I can’t always control whether or not I get recharge time, but I can control how I think, and a healthy dose of perspective can help a person recharge sometimes just as much!
It’s good to be that macro lens, but it’s also really good to recognize when you’re too much that way, and you need to just chill out. I need perspective to recharge. I need to acknowledge that it’s not always going to be this way when the times are tough! Sleep training will end… I’ll have time to spend with my husband. The fussing out of frustration will turn into words of frustration, and communication will increase between me and the little guy. The anxieties of motherhood will change and fluctuate and it takes both kinds of lenses at different times. Perhaps its time for me to set down the macro lens for a bit.