Brace Yourself

Every year on January first, my Pinterest is spammed with hundreds of motivational workout posts. In general, Facebook statuses, Instagram Photos, Tweets and Blog Posts are dominated by the subject of getting in shape.  I am all for New Years Resolutions and people trying to kick themselves into gear (and I’ve even joined in upon occasion), but by April, when the Resolutions for Health morph into a frantic quest for Bikini Bodies and the anxiety of the impending Summer season, I have to say that enough is enough. I have grown tired of the superficial ideas becoming more of the norm in our Culture and I fear I must rant. If you are a sensitive reader to the subject, feel at liberty to read no further.

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Dear Ladies Obsessing over Beach Bodies,

Greetings and salutations on this fine Spring afternoon! I hope this letter finds you in good health and cultivating a life of happiness based not upon bounded and conditional notions and flawed ideas, but of absolute, unchanging belief in an invariable. After all, how can we find happiness in any point of time if we are looking in a place of inconsistency and change?

I hope you are not planting and growing the idea that your self worth and merit is based upon your looks and how well you fit with the pop culture of today. If, by chance, you believe that is the case, it really is no wonder I have seen an explosion of “Inspirational Photos” in my Pinterest feed from your Work Out board. If your sense of happiness and self worth is feeding on how well you can keep up with our culture pressuring you to be flawless like the fake shells of the women we see on the cover of magazines, I can understand your desperation to “get that perfect beach body.” If that is the truth, by all means, you must continue to post pictures of women’s barely clothed posteriors urging you to get the most flawless shape in your L.B.D. (little black dress). You must post those weak quotes from unknown sources that attempt an explanation for the physical and emotional pain you must endure (after all, your pain is for a greater cause! You have to achieve value through your body and if you’re not in discomfort of some kind, there is no way you will lose weight or tighten those muscles and that means you will never have a sense of worth).

If your value really lies in how you perfect you look going to the beach and what society thinks of your bathing suit body (and you know they will love both because your bikini matches the one that celebrity was wearing in that magazine that one time and you used the Workout Routine sworn to work wonders by the trainers who tell you you’re not good the way you are now), then absolutely, keep freaking out that Summer is approaching.

You have little time left to prove your self worth!

You are officially scheduled to have a sense of happiness in exactly seventy-one days!

You are going to need more photos of fannies, abs, and thighs than you have ever needed in your arsenal, and you are going to need to dream a little bigger than those quotations you’ve recently pinned. “You can feel sore tomorrow or you can feel sorry tomorrow,” needs to get an upgrade. How about, “You can feel sore tomorrow or you can feel completely dispirited, utterly depressed and one-hundred percent meaningless tomorrow.” That ought to do the trick! You must prepare your beach bodies. It is your only defense!

…Summer is Coming.

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